“No person is
completely wicked, just as no person is perfect. We are all grey”
― Sweety Shinde
You’re either successful or you’re worthless. You’re smart or you’re
stupid. You’re a writer or you’re an artist. Your life is wonderful or it’s
terrible. Something is right or it’s wrong. These are examples of
all-or-nothing type thinking (also called black-and-white thinking).
For example, a person suffering from all-or-nothing type thinking
might struggle with a single question during a long job interview. Despite the
interview only being 5% bad (only struggling on a single question), they will
say the interview was a bad interview.
This is a negative thinking pattern that's common in people with panic
disorder, depression, or other anxiety-related issues. It is also not all that
uncommon amongst people without the previous mentioned issues.
Recently, I am noticing a new trend with all-or-nothing type thinking.
In the past, all-or-nothing type thinking was used more by people judging
themselves (e.g. I am a success/I am a failure). Now it is being used more as a
way of people viewing both other individuals, and the world at large.
For example, Jessica knows that she disagrees with her Governor on the
topics of traffic cameras, the death penalty and increasing minimum wage.
Jessica now hears her Governor’s thoughts on fracking. Despite the fact that Jessica
knows zero about fracking, she instinctively disagrees with him. In Jessica’s
mind, the Governor is always wrong.
Jessica has “all-or-nothing”ed the Governor.
Example #2: Cooper is against any type of gun control. Cooper has
recently discovered a radio show where the host shares Cooper’s beliefs against
any government action infringing on the rights of gun owners. Cooper likes this
radio host and starts believing every single thing the host opinionates, solely
due to the fact that they share an identical belief when it comes to gun
control.
Things don’t need to be black or white, most things are shades of
gray.
One can agree with a Liberal on one issue and a Conservative on
another issue.
Agreeing on one single issue doesn’t mean that one subscribes to all
of their beliefs.
Groomers (those abusers who use a technique known as “grooming” as a
way to get their victims) know about this “all-or-nothing” type thinking, and
they exploit it for their advantage.
The first thing that groomers do is they try to give off the
impression that they are righteous and upstanding individuals. They will
volunteer their time and their money to assist those in need.
They do this so that community members will be like Cooper in the
second example. Just as Cooper took this one shared belief and expanded it
across the board, likewise communities often view groomers as “righteous and
upstanding” due to their volunteerism, and expand it across the board (i.e. he
can’t be an abuser, look how much of an upstanding individual he is!).
The second thing that groomers do is they attempt to select victims
who will not get them, the abuser, into trouble. One way of doing this is by
selecting a victim who lacks believability within the community. Just like
Jessica in the first example immediately dismissed what the Governor had to say
about fracking, the community will immediately dismiss what this victim has to
say about their abuse and their abuser.
Couple the two examples together and you have yourself someone who has
mastered the art of grooming.
There is another flaw within all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to
abusers. People mistakenly believe that an abuser not abusing a specific child
or children is proof that he hasn’t abused any other child. The fact that ten
out of the eleven boys in the karate class insist that their teacher never
abused them does not mean that the eleventh boy is automatically lying.
If we want to start believing victims and stop protecting abusers, one
of the things we must do, on both an individual level as well as a communal
one, is to stop this poisonous all-or-nothing type thinking.
You
can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com
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