Correlation & Causation

"Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there.'

― Randall Munroe

There are certain places where childhood memories are created. Common places include school, the playground, home, camp and a friend’s house. Many of my own childhood memories come from these places as well. A few of my most memorable memories happened in a building which is no longer existent, in the Flushing area of Queens. This building was the baseball stadium known as Shea Stadium, former home of the New York Mets.

The following story is one of my many memories from that stadium:

The Mets are winning by two in a “must win game”. The Mets bring in their best relief pitcher to start the 9th inning. I am sitting in the stands holding a pencil, keeping score with a scorecard. The first opposing batter hits a homerun. Now the lead is down to one. The following batter reaches hits a single. The potential tying run is on base and there are still no outs. The tension throughout the stadium increases tenfold. I’m getting nervous that the Mets might lose this game. I immediately put down the pencil that I’m using and start using the pencil that I used when the Mets scored their runs earlier. Within moments of my switching pencils the opposing runner gets thrown out. The Mets then quickly get the next two outs and they win the game.

All because I switched my pencil.

That’s how the mind of a ten year old works.

But this type of thinking isn’t exclusive to children. People of all ages are constantly falling into this trap. This is not just the trap of believing in “lucky charms”, but the erroneous conviction that a correlation implies causation. i.e. That since I switch my pencil and the Mets immediately got the 3 outs that they needed, it means that my switching pencils CAUSED the Mets to get those 3 outs.

A Correlation Does NOT Imply Causation!

There are many other examples of this principle. One lesson that I would like to share from this principle is the need to speak with your children and not assume that you know what is the cause of their difficulty.

For example: Dana has been an A student the past 2 years when she had the privilege in being in Mr. Howard’s class. Mr. Howard was an excellent teacher who was both well liked and outstanding at his job. This year with a new teacher Dana is barely passing. They see that she has zero motivation. Her parents believe that this is a direct result of having a new teacher, but it is actually something else that is causing Dana’s lack of motivation.

The parent’s thought process is quite simple and quite logical. If Dana was successful and motivated when she had Mr. Howard, it must be the new teacher that is causing the lower grades and lack of motivation.

This line of thinking is only successful when there are only 2 variables. In life, however, there are many variables, some of which parents (and others) are blind to.

When you don’t have an open line of communication with your child, you end up being forced to make assumptions, and not all of your assumptions will be accurate.

Make sure there is an open line of communication with your child. Build a “communication safe-zone” to enable children to properly and safely share information. If you feel that your child is uncomfortable sharing information with you, try to connect them with someone whom they will feel comfortable sharing the information with.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Sometimes it is the "WHO" behind the message

Sometimes the same message comes across more clearly and more powerful when it comes from someone else.

Communication: Your Delivery

It's really important how you say things because people won't necessarily remember what words you used, but they'll remember how you made them feel.

-Brian McDermott

A pig farmer would like your band to play in his field. Would you like to?

That was what the staff of a famous band told their band about an offer that they had received.

The band declined the offer.

The year was 1969 and the “pig farmer who wanted the band to play in his field” was the famous concert that would forever be known as “Woodstock”.

Sometimes it isn’t what we say but how we say it.

Advertisers and marketers spend millions of dollars and hundreds of hours trying to convince people to buy their products. A single word can be the difference between a huge financial success and the demise of a company.

My favorite marketing story is the story of diet beer.

No one calls it diet beer. Men are too manly to drink something called diet beer. A few companies tried it and it failed miserably. Then the Miller Brewing Company decided to give it a try.

For starters, they refused to call their product “Diet Beer”, instead they chose to call it “Lite Beer”. The difference in name, coupled with a brilliant advertising campaign, led to a huge financial windfall for the company.

You don’t need to be a marketer or advertiser to understand the importance of the right words.

Whether it be to children, spouses, co-workers or just friends, knowing how to properly deliver your message can be the difference between your message getting heard or discarded.

How to get your message across successfully is too general of a question. The way one should speak to first graders is different than the way one should speak with collegiates. One should not be speaking with their spouse the way they speak with their plumber. Different people require different communication techniques. A person needs to know their audience, learn how they listen and what gets them to respond.

That being said, try to stay away from coupling your message with insults. The common response that the listener will hear the insult while ignoring the message.

For example: telling your child “You fool, can't you make sure you close the freezer after you take out the ice cream?

In this case, the child will often hear that they are a “fool”, but completely miss the point about needing to close the freezer door.

Additionally, the listener will often put up a figurative wall between the themselves and the speaker, preventing the delivery of all future messages from this specific speaker. Afterall, the speaker is someone who insults them, the listener needs to protect themselves.

It pains me when someone says “It isn’t what you said, it’s how you said it”, because often it is used as a very weak excuse. Nevertheless, the statement itself can be a very accurate statement. When assuming the role of “speaker”, make every effort to ensure that you choose the right words and the correct way of presenting them.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Missing the Point

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

-Ambrose Bierce

There is a common saying that good things come in small packages.

Sometimes the smallest of things will give huge lessons about people and about life.

I went to an online forum asking for advice about one specific issue, but I ended up walking away with a huge insight about communication.

Here is the story:

When my oldest son was a toddler, I noticed that he was a lefty. I also noticed that he was trying to learn how to do things by mirroring. He would see what either my wife or I were doing and he would attempt to copy it.

However, there was a major flaw to his method.

Neither my wife nor I are left-handed.

This became quite the hurdle, as he was mirroring our actions, yet it was better for him to do it with his more dominant hand, the hand that neither my wife nor I were using.

So I decided to post on an online group asking for advice on this matter.

I posted the aforementioned issue in the body of the post.

But then I made a mistake.

For the subject of the post, the part that people will see without seeing my post, the part with which they will judge whether or not to click, I wrote: Help, My Son is a Lefty!.

I received lots of replies, but many had nothing to do with my post.

Many commenters wrongfully criticized me for thinking that being a lefty meant that he was flawed.

Some decided to use the comments section to mention the famous people who were left-handed.

No more than 20% of the comments actually dealt with the issue.

People saw the subject and immediately formed an opinion without even taking a moment to read the content.

I was floored.

I was shocked.

I got educated as to how most people work.

Too often we see blurbs or quotes without understanding the context.

We rush to judge without even hearing one full side, let alone the second side.

In this world of INSTANT and NOW, we have sacrificed accuracy.

I often see the people who were in my situation use this a soapbox for preaching the need to be thorough and not rush to judgement.

I’m going to take a different angle.

Part of communicating is knowing the mistakes that people will be making. Don’t go for sensationalism (e.g. Help, My Son is a Lefty!) and then play the victim when the readers fall for the sensationalism.

Make sure you are accurate with your message from beginning to end.

Leave as little room as possible for misinterpretation.

This is especially necessary when speaking with your children. Better to be accurate the 1st time.

It is hard enough to get a child to open their ears once for their parent’s message. It will be even harder if it constantly takes 2 or 3 attempts before the child understands the message.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Accidental Muting

“If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.”

― Ignacio Estrada

In my previous article, Sleepovers, Playdates and Codewords, I mentioned “The Law of Unintended Consequences”. In short, it means that actions of people always have effects that are unanticipated or unintended.

There is a popular story among Child Safety Advocates that illustrates this law quite well. This story also contains an invaluable lesson.

There was a child who was going to be spending the summer in sleepaway camp. Prior to going to camp, his father wisely had a discussion with him about staying safe. When the father got to the part about his son’s body being his, the father said the following statement:

“Listen, if anyone touches your genitals, if anyone molests you, I’LL [EXPLETIVE] KILL HIM!! I PROMISE YOU, YOU HAVE MY WORD”

Sadly, when this boy was at camp, he was molested.

And like so many other victims, he made the decision to keep quiet.

There are many different reasons for why victims choose to be quiet. Years later, when this boy was asked to share why he chose silence, his reason was quite interesting.

“I love my father. I love him dearly. If I told him about the abuse, he would have ended up committing murder and he’d end up in jail for many years. I didn’t want to lose my dad, so I kept quiet.”

In the father’s attempt to show his child love and protection, he ended up making his child feel powerless.

The father attempted to show his son his love by telling him that he was willing to go to the extreme for him, but it ended up being the son who sacrificed himself on behalf of his father.

This was very much an unintended consequence.

When speaking with kids about issues of child sex abuse, never ever tell the child that you will hurt/beat/kill/harm/embarrass/ruin the one who commits the abuse. Studies have shown that such verbiage has much more potential to harm than it has to assist, as the previous story has unfortunately shown.

The message that parents attempt give to their children isn’t always the message that the children hear from their parents. It is incumbent on the parent to be one or two steps ahead. Trying to anticipate an alternate message that the child might actually hear, and what the child will do with this unintended message that they’ve heard.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here