Suicide Prevention and You

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

― Betty Reese

Superbowl XLI took place in February of 2007 in Miami, Florida. It takes months of practice, studying and hard work for the teams to qualify for the Superbowl. It also takes months of practice, studying and hard work for those involved with security to be properly prepared for both the influx of people, as well as the potential threats to the city.

Prior to the Superbowl, Miami International Airport hired the former director of security at Ben-Gurion Airport and the Israel Airports Authority to train the airport staff on how to spot a potential terrorist. The staff at Miami International Airport were trained with something called “Behavior Pattern Recognition”. Every single employee, whether airport police, a cashier, janitor or even a desk worker was trained in how to notice suspicious behavior, and what to do when they see someone behaving suspiciously.

To put this into perspective, during the busiest time at the airport, the airport knew that they didn’t have an infinite number of policemen at their disposal. So how did they protect the airport? By training everyone to know the basics, and making them comfortable enough that if they saw something suspicious, they knew who to call.

The recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have led to a plethora of articles aimed at teaching people the basics about depression and suicide. Unfortunately, there are many who are choosing to ignore these articles. Just like Miami International Airport trained everyone in the basics about spotting a terrorist, we all need to be trained in the basics about depression and suicide.

What should we say?

What shouldn’t we say?

What do we do if we think our friend is suicidal?

How can we tell if they are being serious?

There are many books and articles on the subject, here are a few of my favorites:

The NY Times wrote a wonderful article about What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed . The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention has a list of Risk Factors and Warning Signs. Likewise, there is 16 Suicide Warning Signs in Mental Health Daily. Finally, here is a piece titled 10 Things You Need To Know About Suicide From A Survivor.

You may not be a mental health professional, but you might end up being the “emergency responder”, the one first on call, saddled with the task of making sure that things don’t get worse before those who are more skilled arrive.

Do you know what to do?

Take the time to learn how to spot someone who is suicidal, and how to intervene.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.

-Carrie Snow

The recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have shaken millions upon millions of people.

Rightfully so.

Death is a sad and tragic event, all the more so when one takes their own life. Deaths are often examined to find out what went wrong, what led to the death of the victim, and what could possibly be done to prevent a similar death in the future.

So too with suicides.

Having known neither Ms. Spade nor Mr. Bourdain, I will refrain from commenting specifically on their deaths. Some of the articles about their deaths are speculation, some are based upon statements from friends and family, while others are just the writer using their death as a means to present their own agenda.

Rather than discussing their suicides, I want to discuss a theme that I saw in a number of the articles about them. I have seen numerous journalists, authors and commentators ask:

“They were so famous/successful/wealthy, why would they end their own life?”.

This question disturbs me. It disturbs me because it is a fundamentally flawed question.

Back in 1776, Thomas Jefferson wrote the following phrase in the Declaration of Independence:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

From a very young age, American children are taught that happiness is something that you can pursue. This information remains instilled as one grows older and enters the workforce. People believe that if they only get this promotion, they’ll be happy. If they are able to purchase a nice home, they’ll be happy.

If they only…

Happiness is a state of mind, not a goal.

There are struggling poor people who are happy while there are affluent and famous people who aren’t.

There are people who are ill who are happy while there are people who are healthy that aren’t.

Back to the question from the journalists. What bothers me about the question, “They were so famous/successful/wealthy, why would they end their own life?”, is that it implies that success equals happiness. It implies that being rich and famous equals happiness. It is being asked by a journalist who has the goal of being rich and famous, how someone who has already reached this goal not be happy.

Happiness isn’t the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It isn’t there waiting for you when you accomplish a goal.

Sometimes it isn’t necessarily what it being said, but who is saying it. Some of you might be saying “Very convenient for Yisroel to be saying this, he isn’t rich, he isn’t famous. Perhaps he is just trying to put down the rich as a means of making himself feel better”.

To these people, I tell them to please see what the rich and famous Jim Carrey has to say:

In an interview, the comedian and actor Jim Carrey talked about “getting to the place where you have everything everybody has ever desired and realizing you are still unhappy. And that you can still be unhappy is a shock when you have accomplished everything you ever dreamed of and more.”

“If only we get that big raise, or a new house or have children we will finally be happy. But we won’t." In fact, as Carrey points out, in many ways achieving all your goals provides the opposite of fulfillment: It lays bare the truth that there is nothing you can purchase, possess or achieve that will make you feel fulfilled over the long term.

If the question is: How can I become happy? That is a very subjective question. what works for one person won’t necessarily work for the other. That being said, just don’t forget that happiness is NOT a goal, despite what’s written in the Declaration of Independence.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Loose Lips Sink Ships

To keep your secret is wisdom; but to expect others to keep it is folly.

-Samuel Johnson

When I was young, if people were asked to describe me in one word, that word would have been “sports”. I was a complete sports nut. I knew the players, the teams. As I became a teenager, my love of sports became greater. I started collecting autographs, talking to the players. There was even a period of time when I was participating in sports trivia contests on the radio, collecting hundreds of dollars worth of prizes before the radio station shut down.

After moving to Israel and getting married, I’ve found that I no longer follow sports like I used to. Yet every time that I try to convince myself that I’m no longer into sports, something pops up and reminds me that that’s far from the truth.

I often find myself using sports analogies or news stories from the sports section to prove my point. This is who I am. I’m going to embrace this and not run from this.

Why am I mentioning all of this? It is because I just read about former Philadelphia 76ers General Manager Bryan Colangelo.

For those of you who are unaware of the story, here is a synopsis. A journalist uncovered the fact that there were a few twitter accounts that appeared to be fake. These accounts were always being used to defend Colangelo, and they would often badmouth players on his team. A few times these accounts divulged privileged information that only someone who worked for the team would have known (e.g. a player’s medical records, trades being discussed etc). An investigation was launched, and it was discovered that Mr. Colangelo’s wife was the one doing the tweeting (she admitted to it and the cyber investigators found forensic evidence to corroborate her admission). Mr. Colangelo promptly resigned.

Despite his resigning, Mr. Colangelo might still be in legal trouble. He transferred privileged information to someone whom he was not allowed to.

During World War II there propaganda posters going around with the message “Loose Lips Sink Ships”. The poster intent was to convey the following: Beware of what you say, you don’t really know who you are speaking with. You don’t know what they’ll do with what you tell them. It might end up costing someone their life.

This was Mr. Colangelo’s error. He shared information that he was not allowed to share. Granted it was to his wife, but that was still not allowed. She ended up using this information improperly, and for that Mr. Colangelo lost his job.

This very mistake that cost Mr. Colangelo his job is a mistake that I see people making time and time again. No place is this more rampant than social media.

How would you feel if you walked into a store and you heard the employees speaking negatively about you? Would you be comfortable? Would you stay? Would you go back to the store to make future purchases or would you try and find another store to do business with?

Too often I see people on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn discussing things about clients and customers of theirs in a negative light. It amazes me how often well educated people forget the fact that this client might very well be reading these posts! Regardless of whether you mentioned the client or customer by name, if they believe that you are speaking about them in your social media post, you’ve lost the client.

In today’s world where words can be transmitted to millions across the globe in the blink of an eye, be very cautious with your words. Remember that any public post, even if addressed to a select few, is still a public post that can be seen by many. It can also be seen by the person you are discussing!

Also remember that any person you share information with is only a click or two away from sharing your secret. So choose who you share information with very carefully.

The circumstances have changed, but the concept is as strong as ever.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Ulterior Motives - Part 2

“Men (people) are rarely aware of the real reasons which motivate their actions.”

― Edward L. Bernays

Parents want the best for their children.

No parent will tell you otherwise.

Unfortunately, claiming that you are doing something for the sake of your child doesn't mean that you are actually doing something for the sake of your child.

Too often there are cases of parents attempting to live vicariously through their children. Forcing their child to live out their parent’s unfulfilled dreams.

The parent will insist that they are forcing their child to learn piano for their child’s benefit, while they are really doing it because they, the parent, have a need for their child to play piano.

Parents need to make sure that the choices they are making for their child are in their child’s best interest.

A happy parent doesn’t equal a happy child. Your child isn’t here on this world just so that you can enjoy them.

A parent living vicariously through their child is wrong, but it isn’t the worst thing that parents are known to do to their children.

There are parents who put family burdens upon their children, burdens that don’t belong on the child’s shoulders.

Please let me explain.

Years ago, someone alerted me to the following story. People were calling a radio station to speak with a sex therapist about their issues. One call seemed extremely troubling, this call was shared with me.

The caller calls in with the following issue. She tells the the therapist that she was raped by her father’s boss, and she doesn’t know what she should do.

The therapist asks the caller if she told anyone about the rape. The caller says that she told her father. When asked what the father’s response was, the caller had the following to say:

“My father reminded me that we are living in our home because he has a job. My sister is able to be in college because he (dad) has a job. If I report the rape, dad will immediately get fired. We’ll become homeless and my sister won’t be able to continue in college if I pursue this”.

This caller’s plight shook me to the core. Her own father is manipulating his daughter. Telling her that she needs to be quiet, or the family will suffer. The father has unjustly and immorally placed the family’s housing and financial situation on his daughter’s  shoulders.

Parents need to support their children during times of crisis, not add fuel to the fire.

It is never a child’s fault for being a victim.

It is never an adult’s fault for being a victim.

It isn’t the victim’s fault for reporting an abuse or an attack.

It isn’t the victim’s fault that there might (unfortunately) be repercussions for reporting.

If your child is your number one priority, this isn’t a struggle. Parents who have ulterior motives will be unable to navigate these situations.

Let me phrase it like this:

If you were struggling to pay the tuition for your oldest child, would you prostitute your younger child to pay for it?

I’d like to believe that 99% of parents would answer “No” to the above question.

So why do the statistics change when the situation is:

If we file a complaint against the rape of our younger child, our older child won’t be able to afford tuition. Should we file a complaint?

Parents can try to justify this all they want but they are essentially the same question, and the victim knows this.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here