What's in Your Wallet?

As a rule, we find what we look for; we achieve what we get ready for.

-James Cash Penny

Eighteen years ago Capital One began a marketing campaign with the slogan “What’s in Your Wallet”. It was a very successful campaign, and it helped them gain many new clients. The premise of the campaign was very simple. It asked the customer if they knew what they were taking out of their wallet everyday. Did they know the fees, the penalties, the rules etc.

I’m going to ask you metaphorically, “What’s in your pocket?”

When something is “in your pocket”, it is something that is ready to be used in an instant.

Therapists need to have a specific series of questions “in their pocket” to be used when their client mentions a desire to commit suicide. These questions help identify the severity and urgency of the client’s statement about suicide. Helping the therapist determine what type of intervention to implement, and how soon it needs to be implemented.

I would like to share two questions that I keep “in my pocket”.

The first question in my pocket is “If you can paint the perfect picture of how your life will be in five years from now, what would it look like?”. This is very helpful when someone is coming with a laundry list of problems. While they will present a laundry list of problems, they will not address all of their problems in their answer to this question. This helps identify which problems they view as “Top Priority” and which they give a lower priority to. Their answer will also help identify which type of resolution they prefer. Finally it helps gauge how connected they are with reality. Does their answer indicate that they are in denial or perhaps their answer shows that they they are fully aware of the situation at hand?

That’s why “If you can paint the perfect picture…” is a great question to have “in your pocket”.

A second question I like to have in my pocket is “What did I ask and what was your response?”.

There are times when people don’t answer the question being presented to them. Sometimes they are attempting to avoid the question. Sometimes when they are purposely avoiding the question, they will respond with an attempt to detour, Diverting from answering the question directly into a different subject. Other times, the desire is to answer the question, however, they are trying to answer what they think you are asking, not what you are actually asking.

In both instances, by responding with “What did I ask and what was your response”, you are essentially calling out the other party on their non-answer to your original question. At the same time, you are also attempting to bring them back onto the original conversation, while pretending that their previous response never happened.

Example of attempted diversion:

Journalist: Do you think it is right that you,  the challenger for Mayor, misused taxpayer funds during your previous job?

Challenger for Mayor: Do you think it is ok that the incumbent took those vacations and made the voters pay for it?

Journalist: What did I ask and what was your response?

In this case, the politician is trying to avoid the question. Diverting his misuse of funds onto his opponents vacationing. “What did I ask and what was your response” is an attempt to get the person, in this case the politician, to directly answer the question being asked.

Example when the answer is answering what they think is being asked, rather than what is actually being asked:

Mother: How many bottles of cola do you think I need to buy for this gathering tomorrow night?

Daughter: Nevermind! We can just cancel the entire thing!

Mother: What did I ask and what was your response?

In this example, the daughter perceives her mother’s question as an attack on the gathering. When the mother responds with “What did I ask and what was your response?”, she is telling the daughter that it wasn’t her intention at all.

Those are two examples of questions that I “keep in my pocket”.

What’s in your pocket? What question or statement do you find it helpful to have “ready and available” without notice?

I’d love to hear your experiences and suggestions.

Please email them to me at yisroel@ympicker.com

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Bridging with Chess

“Chess is the gymnasium of the mind”

– Blaise Pascal 

In one of my previous articles, I discussed the importance of bridging. Bridging is taking an idea or lesson learned in one area, and connecting it to other areas of life. Bridging is an essential part of the work that I do with my clients. I work hard to bridge at every opportunity, giving my clients the essential tools that they need to improve their daily functioning.

I was recently introduced to someone who also does Instrumental Enrichment. This person works in the Chicago area, and runs a chess club. This got me thinking, what important lessons can we learn and bridge from chess? (For purposes of brevity, I will omit the ones that apply to all games, e.g. the importance of knowing the rules, playing fair, losing is okay,  etc)

1. Seeing things from the other person’s perspective - What WHITE PLAYER sees isn’t necessarily what the BLACK PLAYER sees. 

2. You might need to sacrifice small to gain large

3. You might need to sacrifice large for the greater good (win)

4. Need to adjust to changing surroundings

5. Pick my fights wisely (e.g. I don't want to kill my queen to get his queen if I am losing)

6. Different people do different things, yet still have the same goal - different pieces do different things

7. You can change things while it is in your possession, but once you let go, you can’t.

8. Sometimes you can’t proceed unless you are willing to let go

9. You can’t win without a strategy

10. You will struggle if your strategy cannot adapt to changing surroundings.

11. You need to be willing to ditch your strategy, and change to a different strategy sometimes. Always check to see if your original strategy is still your best option.

12.  One needs to realize the consequences of their actions

13.  One needs to think a few steps ahead, even though one doesn’t know what will happen in between. 

14.  With hard work, even the lowest can make themselves into the highest (the pawn becomes a queen when it crosses the board)

15.  Importance of knowing the value of things (point system of pieces)

16.  Values change depending on the situation (non-mobile piece worth less than a mobile piece) likewise a bottle of cold water is worth more at the beach than it is inside a supermarket. Holiday items are cheaper after the holiday is over.

17. Chess sets may be different (e.g. plastic, glass, marble), but really they are all the same (each knight still does the same thing, whether plastic or glass). People are different, but they have the same basic needs

18. Order is important. (To castle, need to move king first, not rook) - likewise order can be important when doing other tasks e.g. baking a cake, building a home, teaching a skill.

19.  Sometimes a draw is a victory, and sometimes it is a loss. Perspective matters

20. If you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, the game ends. (threefold repetition). Likewise asking the same question over and over again will just get annoying, and the conversation might suddenly end

21.  There are limits to how long you stay doing something if you haven’t seen progress (fifty-move rule)

22. One piece can’t achieve a checkmate alone. It needs the assistance of other pieces. Likewise in life, one needs the assistance of others to thrive. Can’t do it alone

23. Sometimes you need to give other people opportunities, and not giving someone an opportunity can later bring harm to yourself (e.g. if your opponent isn't in check, but any move they make will put them in check, the game has ended in a stalemate)

It is one thing to tell someone a lesson, it is another thing to guide them to realize an important lesson on their own. When someone realizes a lesson on their own, they are much more likely to remember it, and much more likely to apply it into their own real world situations.  

My goal with my clients is to get them to recognize the important lessons that are staring them in the face. Giving them the tools to connect these lessons from the session into their own real life situations. 

Sometimes I use workbooks to accomplish this, sometimes it is pictures, and other times it through the use of games. 

Who knew that the game of chess contained so many valuable lessons?

Have you thought of a lesson that I neglected to mention?

Please share your ideas with me via email at yisroel@ympicker.com

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Don't Limit Yourself

“Maybe other people will try to limit me, but I don’t limit myself.”

– Jim Carrey

Sometimes the best pieces of advice come from the most random people and the most random time.

The year was 2005 and I was just finishing my second year studies at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work. I was chatting with another student about what we would be doing after the semester. I mentioned to him that I planned on taking a vacation to the Adirondack Mountains, which is close to the border between New York and Vermont. I would be renting a car to go on the trip, but Enterprise wouldn’t allow me to take their car into Vermont, so I would therefore only be on the New York side.

No big deal I thought, there is plenty to do in New York, way more than I could possibly accomplish during this short trip.

He turned to me and he uttered the words that still ring clearly into my ears today. “Don’t limit yourself”.

I had never spoken to this person previously, nor have I spoken to him since, but his message has had a lifelong effect on me.

When I went to get my rental car for the trip, I asked the rental agent if it was possible to add Vermont as a place I could take the car. She was more than willing to oblige. I went to Vermont on the trip and had the time of my life. The colors were gorgeous, the sites were beautiful and the people there were so wonderful. I went on boats, rode a horse and got a firsthand look at how Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is made. I returned home with souvenirs, with memories and with the life lesson that one should never limit themself.

As I wrote in my previous article, Bridge Out, that one must always try to take their lessons and try to apply it to other areas. If I only applied “Don’t Limit Yourself” to this vacation, then I’m limiting myself. It is important to take this lesson and use it as a way of analyzing whether or not you are making the correct decision. When I am making a decision, I find myself constantly reminding myself not to limit myself.

Let me offer an example. A parent is taking their child to the mall. The parent has the intention to only stay at the mall for half an hour. As the parent is driving to the mall, they see that they can either park on the street where they can legally park for one hour, or they can park on the adjacent street where they can legally park for three hours. Often the parent will decide to park in the one hour zone, since they only intend of being there for half an hour.

But is that the smart choice?

What happens if they arrive at the mall and they see that there are special activities going on at the mall that are great for their child? What happens if they suddenly remember that they need to buy something for their child, and they can get it at the mall right now? Is the parent able to change their original plan or have they limited themselves to spending no more than an hour in the mall due to where they parked?

When one is able to truly apply the principle of ‘Don’t Limit Yourself’ into their daily life, they will find ways to give themselves more flexibility to adapt to changes.

Is this a rule that one should apply 100% of the time? Absolutely not!

There will be times when you will want to limit yourself. If you are on a diet perhaps carrying less money on you will help prevent unwanted snacking. If your schedule doesn't afford the option of staying at the mall longer than an hour, parking in the one hour parking area can give you added motivation to get out of the mall within an hour.

There will be times to limit yourself and times not to limit yourself. Make an effort to recognize which is which and be extremely careful not to unnecessarily limit yourself.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here