Loose Lips Sink Ships

To keep your secret is wisdom; but to expect others to keep it is folly.

-Samuel Johnson

When I was young, if people were asked to describe me in one word, that word would have been “sports”. I was a complete sports nut. I knew the players, the teams. As I became a teenager, my love of sports became greater. I started collecting autographs, talking to the players. There was even a period of time when I was participating in sports trivia contests on the radio, collecting hundreds of dollars worth of prizes before the radio station shut down.

After moving to Israel and getting married, I’ve found that I no longer follow sports like I used to. Yet every time that I try to convince myself that I’m no longer into sports, something pops up and reminds me that that’s far from the truth.

I often find myself using sports analogies or news stories from the sports section to prove my point. This is who I am. I’m going to embrace this and not run from this.

Why am I mentioning all of this? It is because I just read about former Philadelphia 76ers General Manager Bryan Colangelo.

For those of you who are unaware of the story, here is a synopsis. A journalist uncovered the fact that there were a few twitter accounts that appeared to be fake. These accounts were always being used to defend Colangelo, and they would often badmouth players on his team. A few times these accounts divulged privileged information that only someone who worked for the team would have known (e.g. a player’s medical records, trades being discussed etc). An investigation was launched, and it was discovered that Mr. Colangelo’s wife was the one doing the tweeting (she admitted to it and the cyber investigators found forensic evidence to corroborate her admission). Mr. Colangelo promptly resigned.

Despite his resigning, Mr. Colangelo might still be in legal trouble. He transferred privileged information to someone whom he was not allowed to.

During World War II there propaganda posters going around with the message “Loose Lips Sink Ships”. The poster intent was to convey the following: Beware of what you say, you don’t really know who you are speaking with. You don’t know what they’ll do with what you tell them. It might end up costing someone their life.

This was Mr. Colangelo’s error. He shared information that he was not allowed to share. Granted it was to his wife, but that was still not allowed. She ended up using this information improperly, and for that Mr. Colangelo lost his job.

This very mistake that cost Mr. Colangelo his job is a mistake that I see people making time and time again. No place is this more rampant than social media.

How would you feel if you walked into a store and you heard the employees speaking negatively about you? Would you be comfortable? Would you stay? Would you go back to the store to make future purchases or would you try and find another store to do business with?

Too often I see people on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn discussing things about clients and customers of theirs in a negative light. It amazes me how often well educated people forget the fact that this client might very well be reading these posts! Regardless of whether you mentioned the client or customer by name, if they believe that you are speaking about them in your social media post, you’ve lost the client.

In today’s world where words can be transmitted to millions across the globe in the blink of an eye, be very cautious with your words. Remember that any public post, even if addressed to a select few, is still a public post that can be seen by many. It can also be seen by the person you are discussing!

Also remember that any person you share information with is only a click or two away from sharing your secret. So choose who you share information with very carefully.

The circumstances have changed, but the concept is as strong as ever.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Ulterior Motives - Part 2

“Men (people) are rarely aware of the real reasons which motivate their actions.”

― Edward L. Bernays

Parents want the best for their children.

No parent will tell you otherwise.

Unfortunately, claiming that you are doing something for the sake of your child doesn't mean that you are actually doing something for the sake of your child.

Too often there are cases of parents attempting to live vicariously through their children. Forcing their child to live out their parent’s unfulfilled dreams.

The parent will insist that they are forcing their child to learn piano for their child’s benefit, while they are really doing it because they, the parent, have a need for their child to play piano.

Parents need to make sure that the choices they are making for their child are in their child’s best interest.

A happy parent doesn’t equal a happy child. Your child isn’t here on this world just so that you can enjoy them.

A parent living vicariously through their child is wrong, but it isn’t the worst thing that parents are known to do to their children.

There are parents who put family burdens upon their children, burdens that don’t belong on the child’s shoulders.

Please let me explain.

Years ago, someone alerted me to the following story. People were calling a radio station to speak with a sex therapist about their issues. One call seemed extremely troubling, this call was shared with me.

The caller calls in with the following issue. She tells the the therapist that she was raped by her father’s boss, and she doesn’t know what she should do.

The therapist asks the caller if she told anyone about the rape. The caller says that she told her father. When asked what the father’s response was, the caller had the following to say:

“My father reminded me that we are living in our home because he has a job. My sister is able to be in college because he (dad) has a job. If I report the rape, dad will immediately get fired. We’ll become homeless and my sister won’t be able to continue in college if I pursue this”.

This caller’s plight shook me to the core. Her own father is manipulating his daughter. Telling her that she needs to be quiet, or the family will suffer. The father has unjustly and immorally placed the family’s housing and financial situation on his daughter’s  shoulders.

Parents need to support their children during times of crisis, not add fuel to the fire.

It is never a child’s fault for being a victim.

It is never an adult’s fault for being a victim.

It isn’t the victim’s fault for reporting an abuse or an attack.

It isn’t the victim’s fault that there might (unfortunately) be repercussions for reporting.

If your child is your number one priority, this isn’t a struggle. Parents who have ulterior motives will be unable to navigate these situations.

Let me phrase it like this:

If you were struggling to pay the tuition for your oldest child, would you prostitute your younger child to pay for it?

I’d like to believe that 99% of parents would answer “No” to the above question.

So why do the statistics change when the situation is:

If we file a complaint against the rape of our younger child, our older child won’t be able to afford tuition. Should we file a complaint?

Parents can try to justify this all they want but they are essentially the same question, and the victim knows this.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

Ulterior Motives - Part 1

 If you can figure out what their motivation is, then you're ahead of the game.

-Donald Faison

At many points in our lives we are forced to rely on others for assistance. This starts from the moment we are born. As we grow from baby to infant to toddler to child, we are forced to rely on our parents or guardians to care for us. As we get older, while we grow more independent, we still rely on others for assistance. For example, we seek assistance from doctors for our medical needs,  auto mechanics to fix our vehicles, mediators to resolve conflicts, just to name a few.

When we rely on others, we often do so with the belief that they have our best interests in mind. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case.

There are the cases when we know quite clearly that the person assisting us doesn't have our best interests in mind. The classic example of this is a salesperson. They are being paid to make sales, not to help us. Perhaps they might even be getting a commission from each sale. Yet we still go to the stores and ask for their help, but we take their suggestions with grains of salt, as we are well aware that they have ulterior motives.

Ulterior motives aren’t bad in their own right. They are bad when they come from those people and places who shouldn’t have ulterior movies and they are bad when they conflict with our motives. When it comes from these people and places, we are left feeling, among other things,  hurt, resentment and loss of trust.

When I was in school for my MSW degree, one of the professors told us the following:

“If you discover that your client was born via c-section, or gave birth via c-section, inquire as to why that was. Sometimes you will discover that the reason is because the doctor simply ran out of patience waiting for the birth to proceed naturally.”

This is quite disturbing. A doctor, someone with whom you trust you care and well-being, makes a decision for you, simply because of his own needs.

There are countless other examples that I have seen. Lawyers not having their client’s best interests in mind. Sports agents getting their athlete to sign for less now, because the agent is afraid that if the player waits a year, he may go with a different agent. Mechanics insisting on a lower quality part, since they make a higher profit from that company, etc.

When working with anyone, one should constantly be asking themselves “Does this person have my best interests in mind?”. If the answer is no, the person should ask “Does this person’s motives conflict with my motives?”. If the person doesn’t have your best interests in mind, and their interests conflict with your interests, one should try to find someone else to work with. Just because you hired a lawyer doesn’t mean you need to keep this lawyer. A person should always be evaluating and reevaluating, to ensure that they get the best results possible.

● Learn the questions to ask. (e.g. Why is this in my best interest? What is wrong with the other option? Do we need to decide now or can this wait?)

● Speak with others who’ve been in similar situations, see if the way you’re being treated is the norm.

● Don’t be afraid to go with your gut feeling

With these examples, the person with the ulterior motive is an outsider. Things get much more difficult when it is a parent who has ulterior motives.

That will be Part 2 of this topic.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

A Waiter's Mis-steak

"In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."

— Tom Bodett

Often we spend the most times worried about the things outside of our control. We worry about the weather and how it will affect our plans. We worry about how our favorite sports team will do. Mostly, we worry about how other people will perceive us, and how they will react to the choices that we make.

I would like to share a personal story that just happened to me.

My wife and I decided to go out for dinner recently. The restaurant had three specials listed on their menu. I chose the first one listed, an Asado steak. When I placed the order, I noticed that the waiter wasn’t writing down my order. As my wife started placing her order, the waiter realized it was a good idea to write down our order.

Our first course was nice, then out came the main course. He puts a steak in front of me and tells me it is the Entrecote steak that I ordered. I told him that I didn’t order the Entrecote, I ordered the Asado. I pointed at the Asado on the menu. I asked if the side dish listed with the Asado can be changed. I even asked my wife, she confirmed, I ordered the Asado.

At this point, after all the waiting for the steaks, and with my wife having her food, I wasn’t really interested in waiting longer for my food. Additionally, I felt bad that they made this other steak for nobody, and they now had to make a new steak for me. So I offered to take what they prepared already for me, even though I didn’t order it.

There was just one small thing that I wanted to ensure before I took my first bite.

The Entrecote was about $20 more than the Asado, and I didn’t want to pay more than I intended.

So I asked the waiter to ask the manager to make the decision, whatever works for them will work for me. Would they rather give me the Entrecote at the price of the Asado, or would they rather not serve it and fire up an Asado? They gave me the Entrecote .

I started feeling badly. Perhaps they will misinterpret my offer of kindness as a me taking advantage of them? Maybe they think I purposely lied about my order in order to save $20. Then I reminded myself that I can only do my best. I have no control over how people will interpret my actions. Since I have no control over this I shouldn’t let it bother me.

As my wife and I were finishing dinner, she joked about this event becoming an article of mine. I soon realized that this wasn’t a joke. This event taught me a number of lessons.

First it reminded me about not being concerned about the things we cannot control. It also taught me how to try to resolve a problem. Some people in my position would have sent the steak back, others would have told the waiter that they would keep the steak, but they would be paying the cheaper price. I don’t believe that either of these resolutions are wise, as the patron is telling the restaurant the solution. In order for there to be a positive remedy, one needs to make sure that both sides are on board. In order to do that, one side should give the options, and the other side should choose which option serves them best. Having both sides involved in this decision making process lessons the anger between the sides and helps form a healthy, working relationship.

This also reminded me of my own rule which I forgot to apply this time. It is the rule that I always ask the waiter to read back the order, just to make sure we don't have a bigger problem later. When communicating, it is incumbent on both sides to ensure that they understand and that they are understood. Taking this extra moment in the beginning can easily save time and money later.

People often rush things in the early stages. Often this leads to problems, problems that take time to correct. Take the extra few moments in the beginning, it might feel like you are going slow, but it will save valuable time and resources in the long run. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Always try to pace yourself and always try to take a long term view.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

A Miracle and a Lesson

"Everyday holds the possibility of a miracle"

-Elizabeth David

The year was 2001

The country was Israel

The city was Jerusalem

We were all on high alert, and rightfully so. There had been attacks in the city. Bus bombings, suicide bombings in cafes.

These were usually followed by a phone call by some nervous relative wanting to make sure that I was safe.

But it was a story that never made it further than the local news that was my own personal miracle. It also taught me about myself and others.

It was my midday break from yeshiva. I decided to take a twenty minute walk to a neighborhood called Mea Shearim. As I got there I started walking down its main street, only to be stopped by a meter-maid. Directly behind the meter-maid was a car parked in a very weird manner. It was parked on the left side of the street, the front left tire was on the sidewalk, and the back right tire was slightly blocking traffic on this one way street. There was someone dressed in black using a slim jim to open up this car.

As I waited to hear the “all-clear” a crowd of others wanting to pass started gathering.

Finally the door opened.

The man who opened the door started looking around the car.

Suddenly he shouted on the top of his lungs. I have no idea what he shouts.

Everyone in the group starts running away, they are all wide-eyed. It is an image that is branded into my memory to this day.

Apparently he shouted “Bomb.”

Based upon the news reports from the local paper, the car was stolen and a bomb was placed inside of it. Miraculously it never exploded.

As the police arrived and moved people further away from the car with the bomb in it, I noticed that my roommate and closest friend was there as well. We stayed for a bit before we decided that it was in our best interest to head back to our dira.

Before we left we both witnessed the same incident.

One of the local kids, about 14 years old, went up to one of the policemen and told him as follows: "I know you are going to tell people to move, don’t bother telling me to move, I am not moving. Worry about the others, forget that I am here."

Next thing we see is that the policeman smacks him and throws him into the back of the police car.

As we are walking back to the room, my roommate and I discuss what we just witnessed.

I’m of the opinion that the kid got what he deserved, you don’t mouth off to an officer in the middle of dealing with a high level emergency. The cop has a job to do and this kid is trying to impede the officer from doing his job.

My roommate viewed it very differently. He was of the opinion that the officer has no right to slap anyone.

This was, and still is, a person whom I respect. A person whose opinion I value. For the longest time I could not understand how he could view this so differently than I view it. This wasn’t some stranger, this was my closest friend. He was a genius and someone whose opinions I respected. How could he get this so wrong?

Years later someone enlightened me.

Without her knowing him at all she hit the nail on the head.

“You are the oldest child and he isn’t. He has an older sibling.”

When I viewed the cop vs. the kid, I viewed myself as the cop, and the kid mouthing off for no good reason was one of my brothers. Just like I had no time for them during crucial moments, so too this officer had no time for this kid during this time of high tension.  

But my friend was the younger sibling. He saw himself not in the police officer, but rather as this kid. He saw the officer as using unnecessary force just like he saw his brother using unnecessary force on him.

We are a collection of our previous experiences. The things that we’ve heard, seen and lived through have shaped the way we perceive events. We stood there together on the street that miraculous day in 2001, but our eyes took different routes to get there. My eyes took a route that showed me a dedicated officer, his eyes took a route that showed him an authority figure overstepping his bounds.

We each have a different set of eyes. That is because they each took a different route. Let’s try to remember this next time we have a disagreement with someone. Disagreeing is fine, but don’t let it allow you to view the person with whom you are disagreeing with as a lesser.

You are not better simply because you have your eyes and not theirs.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Beginning with No

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”

-Tony Blair

A poster on LinkedIn brought a very interesting piece of information to my attention. He said that the word “No” is one of the first 10 words that a baby will learn in their lifetime, whilst the word “Yes” doesn’t make it into the top 20. I have not researched this myself, but it sounds quite accurate to me, so for the sake of this article, I will assume it as fact.

Facts are a very interesting thing. By definition they are not debatable. However, that does not mean that facts can not cause a debate. Two people can take the same factual information and come to very different conclusions.

The poster who alerted me to this fact used it to suggest that saying “no” is easier than saying “yes”. It is easier to avoid responsibility (i.e. saying “no”) than it is to take responsibility. He suggested that we need to become a “Yes Man”, someone who is willing to commit, willing to step up and take responsibility, willing to become a leader.

He later suggests that we tell our children “no” far too often. Suggesting that perhaps we need to do a better job communicating with our children, trying to find ways to say the same thing, without using the word “no”. I also saw others who work in the mental health field who voice a similar view.

I’d like to offer two points about this. First, there are very good reasons why kids get accustomed to hearing the word “no” very often. I know, I say it to my toddler many times per day. When he opens the refrigerator and takes ahold of a raw egg. When he grabs his sister’s ponytail and pulls. When he takes possession of a sharp object. These are just a few of the recent nos that he received. None of these are situations which can really be dealt with in another way. But as children age, parents should try to find alternate ways of saying what they are trying to convey, without using the word “no”

Example: Child wants to color, but the parent wants the child to be in pajamas.

Child: Can I color?

Parent: No, you aren't in pajamas yet

Here is an alternative approach

Child: Can I color?

Parent: Sure, but only after you get into pajamas

The parent has said the same exact thing, without using the overused word “no”.

The second point I would like to make isn’t about what we say to others, rather, it is what we say to ourselves. We are all a product of our upbringing, and that includes a product of being told “no” very often. People process “no” as a negative. Are we negative to ourselves simply because of all the negatives we have amassed over the years? Do we view ourselves as lesser simply because we took the nos of our younger years and nurtured them with more negativity? Granted many of the nos of our younger years were needed and deserving, but that doesn’t mean we need to allow it and the negativity that it yielded to remain a core part of our thoughts about ourselves.

At this point, some of you might be wondering why I chose to begin with a quote that seems to be the antithesis of the direction of this article. The answer is quite simple, because there is a time for a no and there is a time for a yes. There are times when no is the easier word to say and there are times when yes is the easier word to say.

There are times when the no needs to be delivered softly, or in an indirect way, and there are times when it should be a very blunt “NO”. The wisdom comes from knowing which rule applies when.

For this reason, I am personally turned off by the very many “gurus” who preach absolutes. This yes and no discussion had the very real possibility of being interpreted as an absolute. I did not want my readers to think that I was preaching an absolute. 

Absolutes can be extremely dangerous. Sometimes the person who is the exception hears it, without knowing that they are the exception.

I have heard many such “absolutes”. Here are a few examples:

Never run from something, only to something - Not good advice for victim of domestic abuse

No one ever succeeds without taking risks - Can the person properly calculate the nature of the risk? Will they blindly take risks simply because they feel the need to be risky? 

Opening a restaurant without a proper license and without a chef is risky. Does the listener believe that this is the type of risk they need to take in order to succeed, or do they realize that this reward isn't worth the potential risk involved?

Never Give Up - Sometimes the better advice is to cut one’s losses and move on. The investors who gave up on Enron or Circuit City after losing 50% percent of their investment did better than those investors who “never gave up”.

One needs to be extremely careful when using absolutes, as one can never be certain that the message that they are trying to convey is indeed the message that is being heard. Additionally, the listener might very well hear the message as intended, yet they might later apply it incorrectly.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here

What's in Your Wallet?

As a rule, we find what we look for; we achieve what we get ready for.

-James Cash Penny

Eighteen years ago Capital One began a marketing campaign with the slogan “What’s in Your Wallet”. It was a very successful campaign, and it helped them gain many new clients. The premise of the campaign was very simple. It asked the customer if they knew what they were taking out of their wallet everyday. Did they know the fees, the penalties, the rules etc.

I’m going to ask you metaphorically, “What’s in your pocket?”

When something is “in your pocket”, it is something that is ready to be used in an instant.

Therapists need to have a specific series of questions “in their pocket” to be used when their client mentions a desire to commit suicide. These questions help identify the severity and urgency of the client’s statement about suicide. Helping the therapist determine what type of intervention to implement, and how soon it needs to be implemented.

I would like to share two questions that I keep “in my pocket”.

The first question in my pocket is “If you can paint the perfect picture of how your life will be in five years from now, what would it look like?”. This is very helpful when someone is coming with a laundry list of problems. While they will present a laundry list of problems, they will not address all of their problems in their answer to this question. This helps identify which problems they view as “Top Priority” and which they give a lower priority to. Their answer will also help identify which type of resolution they prefer. Finally it helps gauge how connected they are with reality. Does their answer indicate that they are in denial or perhaps their answer shows that they they are fully aware of the situation at hand?

That’s why “If you can paint the perfect picture…” is a great question to have “in your pocket”.

A second question I like to have in my pocket is “What did I ask and what was your response?”.

There are times when people don’t answer the question being presented to them. Sometimes they are attempting to avoid the question. Sometimes when they are purposely avoiding the question, they will respond with an attempt to detour, Diverting from answering the question directly into a different subject. Other times, the desire is to answer the question, however, they are trying to answer what they think you are asking, not what you are actually asking.

In both instances, by responding with “What did I ask and what was your response”, you are essentially calling out the other party on their non-answer to your original question. At the same time, you are also attempting to bring them back onto the original conversation, while pretending that their previous response never happened.

Example of attempted diversion:

Journalist: Do you think it is right that you,  the challenger for Mayor, misused taxpayer funds during your previous job?

Challenger for Mayor: Do you think it is ok that the incumbent took those vacations and made the voters pay for it?

Journalist: What did I ask and what was your response?

In this case, the politician is trying to avoid the question. Diverting his misuse of funds onto his opponents vacationing. “What did I ask and what was your response” is an attempt to get the person, in this case the politician, to directly answer the question being asked.

Example when the answer is answering what they think is being asked, rather than what is actually being asked:

Mother: How many bottles of cola do you think I need to buy for this gathering tomorrow night?

Daughter: Nevermind! We can just cancel the entire thing!

Mother: What did I ask and what was your response?

In this example, the daughter perceives her mother’s question as an attack on the gathering. When the mother responds with “What did I ask and what was your response?”, she is telling the daughter that it wasn’t her intention at all.

Those are two examples of questions that I “keep in my pocket”.

What’s in your pocket? What question or statement do you find it helpful to have “ready and available” without notice?

I’d love to hear your experiences and suggestions.

Please email them to me at yisroel@ympicker.com

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more. He also lectures on the topics of communication and child safety.  

You can email Yisroel at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn here