Dear Mom and Dad - Social Media

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm writing this letter because I don't know how else to say it. I have things I want to tell you, secrets I keep hidden, but I'm scared. I'm scared of your anger, the way your voices boom and your faces turn red when things aren't how you want them to be. I'm scared that instead of helping me, I'll get into trouble.

I see you whisper secrets with your friends, stories about other people's lives. It makes me wonder, if you can share secrets so easily, will my secrets truly be safe with you?

Don't get me wrong, I do want to share. There are even times when I'm ready to take that risk, that you'll treat my secrets differently.

So I sit there, desiring that you take that first step. I'm ready to spill my guts. It needs to come out. I'm just hoping that you'd initiate the discussion, that you'd reach out to me asking me what's wrong.

And my wish comes true, sort of. You initiate, but you do it all wrong.

You ask, "What's wrong?", you inquire about my well-being, but you do it in front of everyone. I see my siblings staring at me, their eyes wide and it feels like a huge spotlight is burning into me. Suddenly I can't share. It's safer to just say "nothing" and disappear into my room, even if it means the worry lingers in your eyes while the secrets keep turning my stomach into knots.

I know you love me, and I love you both more than words can say. But sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes, I need more than just a question. I need a safe space, a hug that says "I'm here, no matter what," a promise and the confidence that my secrets won't somehow escape and start becoming weapons of attack against me.

So please, if you want the truth, don't ask me in front of everyone. Pull me aside, whisper instead of shout. Let your eyes be soft, not filled with storm clouds. Show me that you're not just waiting for my answer, but that you're ready to listen, really listen, without judgment.

I want to tell you about my lack of friends, but without feeling like it is my fault.

I want to tell you about the bullying, but without hearing how the bully is a hurt person and how hurt people hurt people.

I want to tell you about my struggles in class, but without being blamed for not studying enough.

I want to tell you about issues I'm having with my Rebbe/teacher, without automatically hearing how one should never say certain things about a Rebbe/teacher.

Show me that you can meet me where I am. 

Show me that you can understand my sad, my anger, my disappointment and my confusion and respond with just love and support.

Show me that you can hear my issues without immediately shifting into "solving mode".

Show me that I can speak freely about my feelings, concerns and fears without being judged for them.

Show me that you will be there for me, no matter how bad things sound and no matter how "wrong" I am.

Maybe then, just maybe, I'll find the courage to share the pains in my heart and the knots in my stomach. 

I love you both, and I want to trust you, but please, make it safe for me to do so.

Love,

Your Child

PS Please don't get angry from my letter. I know I said some harsh things, like how I don't feel safe sharing with you. I won't feel safe with you arguing with me about my letter. Safety is something that needs to be shown to me. Please show it to me. I'm looking forward to seeing it. I'm craving it more than that piece of cake after Yom Kippur. I want to work with you, I need your help, but I cannot make my move until you make the first move.

Halos and Horns

 “The statement ‘Hitler loved dogs and little children’ is shocking no matter how many times you hear it, because any trace of kindness in someone so evil violates the expectations set up by the halo effect.”

-Daniel Kahneman

You’re at the jewelry store to buy a pair of earrings as a present for someone you love. But you aren’t sure if you should buy the pair you’re looking at. You’re not sure if it is their style. You’re also not sure if the price is a good price. Across the counter, the salesperson is telling you how they’re beautiful and how the price is a great deal.

You decide to leave the store, not heeding the calls of the salesperson to buy. Afterall, they are the salesperson, they aren’t a neutral party.

People can be very quick to realize when they’re doing business with someone who has a bias. However, these same people often fail to recognize that they themselves have their own biases. This is known as the blind bias spot.

I have written about numerous cognitive biases in the past, but for the purpose of this article, I’m going to focus on a bias that many have, this is called The Halo Effect / The Horns Effect. 

The halo effect is the belief that if something is good at one thing, it would also be good at other things. 

The horns effect is the reverse. If something isn’t good at one thing, it is believed that it will not be good at the other thing.

Here is an example of the halo effect: There is a pizza store near your home and you find their pizza to be delicious. This store now adds homemade frozen yogurt to their menu. You have no idea whether it is good or not, but given that you find the other items on their menu to be extremely tasty, you believe that their frozen yogurt will also be tasty. 

The horns effect is the following case: The bagel store whose food you dislike starts selling soft serve ice cream. You decide to get your ice cream elsewhere because, afterall, if they can’t get a bagel right, why should you think they can get ice cream right?.

Pizza isn’t frozen yogurt.

Baking bagels and making soft serve ice cream are two very different skills.

Yet we allow our experience with one to impact our decision when it comes to the other. 

Welcome to the halo effect.

The halo effect also distorts how we view people. People who are dressed nicely or more put together will be viewed more positively than those who aren’t.

But it is in the area of child sex abuse when the effects of the halo effect really become clear and dangerous.

In the not too distant past, a number of high profile members of our community have been accused of and/or arrested for crimes of a sexual nature against children. 

The cries from the community are always the same.

“But he does so much chessed!”

“Someone who leads such an organization must be a Tzaddik! A Tzaddik doesn’t do that!”

“What about all those important messages to kids in his books?”

“Do you know how many honors he has received?”

That’s the halo effect.

The chessed done over many years doesn’t mean a crime wasn’t committed.

Running a non-profit organization doesn’t mean that a crime wasn’t committed.

Teaching important lessons to kids doesn’t mean that a crime wasn’t committed.

Receiving honors doesn’t mean that a crime wasn’t committed.

When we allow the halo effect to corrupt out thought processing, we are telling the abusers: “If you show me that you’re a nice person, I’ll believe you and protect you when the truth comes out about you being an abuser”.

The halo effect is a giant welcome mat in front of our communities. 

It welcomes abusers, protects them while silencing and shaming their victims. 

When we both individually and communally start recognizing the lack of connection between a person’s good traits and the possibility that they’re doing bad things, that’s when we are able to defeat the halo effect.

So instead of a mat welcoming abusers, there is a giant sign for them that reads: “Do Not Enter”.

I feel the need to add the following:

The passuk in Parshas Shmini says: ”The pig, because its hooves are split…”. What do you mean because its hooves are split? That is a sign of kosher, not a sign of being non-kosher! 

Says R’ Moshe Shternbuch quoting the Kli Yakar, because it goes around bragging and proving that it is kosher due to it’s foot, don’t say that it is treif in spite of its acceptable foot, rather the acceptable foot is also a sign of it being treif!

The same is true when we hear of these famous and “choshuv” people who commit acts of abuse. 

They didn’t abuse in spite of all the good that they did, the good that they did was part of their abuse!

It was part of the grooming and manipulation.

The pig shows its feet to be accepted where it doesn’t belong, no different than these abusers.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker and therapist who lives and works in Jerusalem. His private practice is geared towards anyone who would like to take a cognitive approach (e.g. DBT, CBT, REBT) towards reaching their desired outcome. 

To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Follow Yisroel on Facebook Here

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

 “A lie has many variations, the truth none.”

— African Proverbs

 

Children are taught from a young age to always tell the truth.

But do we accurately teach our children what is truth and what is a lie?

 

Do we ourselves even know the difference between the two?

 

When I was in high school math class, the teacher taught us that despite the name of a then recently released movie, there is no such thing as a true lie.

 

It was either the truth, or a lie. The two can’t coexist.

 

However, of the 3 main types of lies, 2 of them are rooted in truth, with no spoken falsehood.

 

It is imperative to understand and accept that despite the truthful content, they’re still lies.

 

What are the 3 types of lies?

1. Lie of Commission

2. Lie of Omission

3. Lie of Influence / Character Lie

 

What is a Lie of Commission?

This is the one that is easiest to understand. It is a flat out false statement.

 

E.g. When the thief denies stealing. When the child who broke curfew claims they came home when they were supposed to.

 

What is a Lie of Omission?

This is what I call the “True Lie”. Where one says a 100% factual statement, but purposely leaves out a key piece of information in an attempt to mislead the listener.

E.g. A used-car salesman states that the car in question has only run for 7500 miles, making it almost new.

He deliberately fails to mention that almost all of those miles were driven with massively heavy loads, which has compromised the car’s suspensions and affected the car’s stability.

Despite the truthfulness of the statement (and despite the fact that the legal system wouldn’t consider the statement perjury), it is manipulative and a falsehood.

What is a Lie of Influence / Character Lie?

This is when someone will tell you something completely unrelated to the truth to cover up a lie.

 

E.g. A longtime employee is suspected of stealing from work. When asked about it they respond: “Me? I’ve been working here for TWENTY YEARS!!”.

 

Notice, they never actually responded to the question about whether or not they stole. All they did was try to divert the question by mentioning their longevity at the job.

 

It can often be confusing to a child (and even adults) when presented with Lies of Omission and Character Lies.

 

It can lead to confusion and questioning of judgment.

 

Why? Because the truth is being used to manipulate and deceive.

 

By teaching our children about the three different types of lies, we can assist them on both ends of the spectrum.

 

We can raise children who are more truthful, since they have a clearer definition as to what constitutes a lie.

 

We will also create more astute listeners. Individuals who will be quicker to notice when being lied to via any of the various methods.

 

The movie title is accurate, True Lies can and do exist.

 

Something can be 100% true and yet still be a lie.

 

 

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private therapy practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more.

 

 

To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at yisroel@ympicker.com

 

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Follow Yisroel on Facebook Here

 

 

 

 

Omission Bias

 “The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

The human mind is a complex computer which swiftly processes tons of data in a matter of moments. 

But it often does so by using shortcuts. 

These shortcuts are known as cognitive bias.

Cognitive bias can be explained as a systematic thought process caused by the tendency of the human brain to simplify information processing through a filter of personal experience and preferences.

In other words, to work quicker, our mind tends to process information based upon 

1. Our desires

2. Our experiences

In order to improve cognitive functioning, it is important to recognize how our minds, and our children’s minds, work, as it is nearly impossible to fix anything without first recognizing the problem.

In previous articles, I’ve written about outcome bias (where we put too much emphasis on previous results) and confirmation bias (how we use our beliefs and previous experiences to fill in the gaps). For the purpose of this article, I’d like to discuss omission bias.

Case 1: Matilda is severely allergic to peanuts. I know this and I add peanuts to Matilda’s salad without her knowing. Matilda dies as a result.

Case 2: Matilda is severely allergic to peanuts. She goes to the buffet and unknowingly takes a salad which contains peanuts. I notice this and decide not to inform her. She eats the salad and dies.

Omission bias states that people perceive inaction (case 2) as less harmful than action (case 1).

Despite the fact that in both scenarios your behavior directly led to Matilda’s death.

Case 3: Gregg is on trial. Tim gives false testimony implicating Gregg. Gregg is found guilty.

Case 4: Gregg is on trial. Tim is a witness and can give testimony exonerating Gregg. Tim doesn't come forward and Gregg is convicted.

Once again, people will often state that the 3rd case is worse, yet both cases have the same result.

Omission bias stems from a basic view that one should avoid any direct cause of harm. Yet it ignores the consequences of passivity.

Standing by idly and “watching” something bad happen isn’t “better” than actively causing the bad thing.

And yet, on an individual level and even a communal level, we do just that. 

Omission bias might also be one of the many reasons why it is difficult for victims to report sexual abuse.

They view their testimony as direct harm (Keep in mind, victims often have conflicted feelings towards their abusers).

The lack of testimony is viewed as indirect harm (e.g. future victims).

How do we overcome omission bias?

For starters, we need to stop minimizing the results of inaction.

Damage caused via action and damage caused by inaction can be equally harmful.

The more we justify inaction over action, the more we enable omission bias to continue and flourish in our own brains, as well as within society as a whole.

As Mark Twain said: “The truth hurts, but silence kills”.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more.

To speak with Yisroel about speaking at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Follow Yisroel on Facebook Here

Ashtrays for Kids

“Asking questions is one of the best ways to grow as a human being.”

-Michael Hyatt

Years ago, a company named Enron started an advertising campaign titled: “Ask Why”.

This campaign was designed to show the viewer that people were able to make major discoveries, simply by asking why.

Children often ask “why” questions. They do this because they are, by definition, curious about the world. They are seeking to gain knowledge and they are inquiring as to whether there is a deeper meaning behind what it is that they are asking about. 

In short, by not asking, one will gain no knowledge, however, by asking why and seeking to understand, one opens up the possibility to change their entire way of thinking.

One of the most recent “why” questions that I have heard is the following: “If smoking is forbidden on airplanes, why are there ashtrays inside the airplane bathrooms?”

I researched this and the answer that I found was truly enlightening. 

Airlines are still required by the FAA to have ashtrays in their bathrooms, despite the fact that the FAA bans smoking on all flights. 

Let me repeat that last statement. The same FAA that says one cannot smoke on a plane is the same FAA which requires that all airplane lavatories have an ashtray.

Why do they do this?

Because they are aware that there will be rulebreakers. They don’t want a small problem (smoking) to become a bigger problem (fire due to a lit cigarette).

So despite all the announcements about the prohibition against smoking. Despite the huge fines that a smoker will be penalized for smoking in flight. Despite all the other potential penalties that the smoker faces, the FAA said “Make sure there is an ashtray. We don’t want a small issue becoming an in-flight fire”.

This message is a very important message for parents. 

We teach our children right and wrong. 

We preach that they do what is right.

We threaten and punish, to prevent them from doing what is wrong.

But do we have an ashtray?

Do we have something inbuilt so that when our child does something wrong, it doesn’t become something worse (e.g. in their attempt in not getting caught)?

Do we recognize the fact that children will make mistakes, and we need to be there to assist them, even after a mistake?

Will your child call you for help when they’re drunk, or will the fear of being punished for being drunk cause them to avoid reaching out to you?

One specific area where we need “ashtrays” is when it comes to child sex abuse prevention. Parents speak with their children about “good touch-bad touch” and never “letting” anyone touch private parts, and other important tips.

But what happens when the child isn’t able to withstand the pressure and cunningness of an abuser? 

Is there an “ashtray” for the child?

Does the child know that they can come to their parents? Or do they believe that they will be in trouble for not listening to the parents original instructions, the instructions that said to “say no” and “not let it happen”?

As much as I despise both Enron and smoking, there are major life lessons to be learned from both.

1. Don’t be afraid to ask why. It might enable you to open your mind and start seeing the world in a way that you haven’t seen it until now.

2. Don’t assume that rules will be followed. Make sure that you have contingencies in place to assist when the rules/advice is ignored.

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more.

To speak with Yisroel about presenting at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Follow Yisroel on Facebook Here

Trauma: Learning from China Airlines Flight 611

 “Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.”

 – Peter Levine

In May of 2002, a China Airlines flight mysteriously crashed 20 minutes after takeoff. The investigation baffled investigators. All seemed right with this flight, yet it suddenly disappeared from radar and crashed. No evidence of a bomb or bomb residue was found. 

Then investigators made a startling discovery. Twenty two years earlier, this same plane had suffered damage during a landing. This damage wasn’t properly fixed. 

An insufficient plate was used to cover the damaged part. This meant the damage was getting increasingly worse with every flight, yet it couldn’t be seen because of the repair plate that was placed over it.

Whilst the repair plate allowed the plane to function normally, it didn’t correct the damage. It didn’t even address the damage. It only enabled the plane to continue despite the damage.

All was seemingly good until one day in 2002, when the damage became too much for the covering plate, and the plane broke apart in mid-air.

The 1980 tail strike was the initial trauma. 

The plate was an insufficient attempt at dealing with the trauma.

Despite the appearance that all was good, the trauma got worse and worse, yet it was hidden from all inspecting eyes.

In 2002, twenty two years later, it all came to a catastrophic ending.

Human trauma often follows a similar script. 

People suffer a trauma and they try to use their defenses to help them cope and manage the trauma. 

Sometimes these are sufficient, other times they are not.

Very often things will appear ok on the outside.

Just like things did with that plane up until that fateful day in May of 2002.

I mention this because people often ask: “If this trauma happened so long ago, why is this struggle only happening now?”.

Just like the airplane was able to continue flying for over 20 years with insufficient repairs, human beings can also survive and even thrive, for many years, despite not adequately addressing their trauma. 

There are many different types of trauma. Different people will cope differently, and with varying reactions. But that doesn’t mean the trauma isn’t there, and it doesn’t mean the old trauma doesn’t have the potential to rear its ugly head. 

If you are someone who has an old trauma, understand that nothing is wrong with you if it affects you many years down the road. 

Just like repairs that were good enough for twenty years might suddenly be insufficient, the coping and defense mechanisms that assisted with managing the trauma might also lose their efficacy after a period of time.

That’s how trauma works sometimes.

The actual traumatic event might have only taken a few seconds, yet it can last a lifetime.

But just like it is never too late for the trauma to cause havoc, it is also never too late to seek assistance. 

To end with a quote:

As every therapist will tell you, healing involves discomfort. But so is refusing to heal. And over time, refusing to heal is always more painful. 

– Resmaa Menakem

Yisroel Picker is a Social Worker who lives in Jerusalem. He has a private practice which specializes in working with people of all ages helping them understand their own thought processes, enabling them to improve their level of functioning, awareness, social skills and more.

To speak with Yisroel about presenting at a child safety event or to discuss a personal case, email him at yisroel@ympicker.com

Follow Yisroel on LinkedIn Here

Follow Yisroel on Facebook Here

Choosing the Correct Side

My second ever post on Times of Israel

How to tell if you're truly standing in support of victims.

Link to Article